I started taking swim lessons around two months ago. On the day that I asked our swim teacher about taking lessons, I was both crazy excited at the thought of tackling this new athletic task and completely bummed. Bummed because I would have to do what probably 90% of women dread doing--buy, and subsequently wear--a bathing suit.
Now as I mentioned in my previous post, a big part of all of this athleticism is due to the fact that I hit my all-time highest weight this year. So naturally I was about as excited about finding and wearing a suit as, say, taking care of my entire family during a stomach virus. To add insult to injury, with it being fall/winter, the selection of suits wasn't great. In fact, most department stores didn't have them at all (and soapbox: Sporting goods stores, listen up! People swim YEAR ROUND!!!! There is a little thing called an INDOOR POOL! Get with it!). Fortunately, I did have two suits that I considered swim lesson appropriate. Both were...umm...the kind of suits that hold you in when you aren't feeling the thinnest. Okay, they were Spanx. One was a size medium, the other a large. Being the ultra self-conscious person that I am, I decided on the large for my first lesson. I packed my stuff with great trepidation and set off for the pool.
This next part astounds me today as much as it did in that very moment. It astounds me for so many reasons, so many of which I am adamantly against. And yet...it's the complete and utter truth. I stood in that locker room, by the showers, next to the door that leads to the pool area, for a full five minutes. I literally could not make myself walk out there. Not because I was afraid of looking like an ass with my swimming. I couldn't walk out there because I was in my swimsuit and I had nothing covering me. At the Y, there is a wall of windows that leads to the lobby. Everyone coming and going can see into the pool area, not to mention all the people in the pool area itself. Now before you say it, I am FULLY aware that people aren't just sitting there, staring at us swimmers, waiting to critique our physique. I get that. That doesn't change the fact that I felt completely horrified anyway. My brain kept telling me to put one foot in front of the other and walk out the damn door. My heart kept saying "Hell, no. Go back and change your clothes!" It took everything in my being to walk through that door. THAT, my friends, was the hardest part of swim lessons.
I absolutely HATE feeling that way. I don't consider myself someone with low self-esteem. I'm comfortable with who I am, what I believe, how I parent. But my looks? Yes. And I HATE it! The funny part is, if someone told me this story as an outsider, I know what my advice would be. I would tell them something to the effect of "Screw them! You're doing something for your health! You're out there, doing it! Who cares what they think??" So tired of society influencing how I feel about myself, appearance-wise. And yet, it is what it is. There is, however, a bright spot. I'm not going to lie and say I'm more comfortable, that I feel better about myself. But I have gotten used to it. I don't have to talk myself out of the changing room anymore--and that lasted a full three lessons, by the way.
Since that first lesson, I've lost weight and toned up some. I also swim a lot more, so I run out of clean suits quicker. This past weekend, I was forced to wear the size medium Spanx suit. I thought, hey, I'm smaller. It'll be fine, right? WRONG. This is not a joke...I bruised myself putting that damn thing on. I don't mean bruising myself in the regular sense of the word--I didn't fall down, or hit my head. No. I literally bruised my outer thighs pulling that god-awful, boa constricter-esque invention over my legs--which clearly aren't quite that small yet. My leg literally aches. The Spanx suits, friends? Dangerous! I will be more than happy to let my flab fly free to avoid that kind of agony in the future. Just a word to the wise.
I do feel proud that I've overcome that paralyzing hatred of walking out of the locker room. It's a big deal, and only one part of what has made learning to swim one of the most humbling experiences of my life. More stories to come.
~W
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