Gym Esteem

For me, there's a specialized niche of self-esteem issues that exists.  It's gym esteem; how I feel about my athletic self.  This means doing all of the terrible self-deprecating things like paying attention to how fast the girl on the treadmill next to me is running and focusing on which women don't have to stop to take breaks in the classes I attend. Yes, there's always of my brain that says "Hey, at least I'm here doing something!", but let me let you in on a little secret about myself...I am incredibly, incredibly competitive. The truth is, I like winning, I like being "better" at things and seeing improvement. Whenever I run a race, I always check out my age group results and see how many people are below/above me (and there were far more above me; I am NOT a fast runner). I don't necessarily think this is always a bad thing; it's nice to have drive to get better, faster, stronger. But it can be difficult to manage and can definitely beat you down.

Swimming presented me with the worst gym esteem issues I've ever had to deal with.  When I first started, I couldn't continuously swim from one end of the pool to the other. Unfortunately, once I got the technique and breathing correct, the only way to work on this was to practice. Everyone I know--especially the poor women I work with--had to endure an earful about how nervous it made me to even THINK about swimming by myself (ie. without my swim instructor, who made me feel more comfortable because if he was there and I didn't make it to the end, hey...I'm just having a lesson!). I remember the first time I attempted it--and I say attempted, because it didn't happen on this day. I changed into my suit before I left work so that I could literally get to the gym, throw my stuff down, and jump in before I had a chance to chicken out.  When I arrived that day, people were swimming two to a lane. There was no way in hell I was going to share a lane...the humiliation of not being able to make it to the other end with someone else in the lane was just too much to bear. I sheepishly took my suit off and proceeded to get on the treadmill.

My first time swimming alone happened on a gorgeous Saturday morning. I got there early and there were actually several lanes open. I chose a lane on the end, mostly because that guaranteed that there would only be one person swimming next to me and witnessing my attempts, but an added benefit was that this lane had a gorgeous swath of sunshine from one end to the other, providing me with some much needed organic anti-anxiety therapy. It is not an exaggeration to say that my heart was pounding before I even started, because I so desperately just wanted to be able to make it to the end.  I conquered the swim that day...I swam probably six lengths of the pool, with long breaks in between to catch my breath. I smiled under water every single time I saw that wall looming closer and closer. I cannot explain to you the excitement and pride I felt that day. I'm pretty sure that was the day I posted on Facebook that I was going to attempt a sprint triathlon; I was riding the endorphin high that only a positive exercise experience can bring. I hadn't felt that since my last mini-marathon.

Since that day, I've been swimming regularly.  I still struggle to continuously swim without taking a break but I regularly swim anywhere from 800-1000m on a swim day, with some kickboard laps thrown in for extra leg work. I can share a lane with the best of them, and I don't even consider what the people in the pool with me are thinking or seeing.  I admit to hitting a little swim plateau  a week or so ago and getting frustrated (sorry, friends, if you had to hear me complain...), but I pushed past it and swimming is feeling pretty good right now.

The moral of the story is that yes, gym esteem is a real issue. It almost prevented me from accomplishing what I'd been wanting and working toward...being able to swim for exercise. But I encourage you, if you're considering some new type of fitness activity, be it it signing up for a marathon or just going to the gym for the first time, to GO for it! All of the lessons and embarrassments and self-doubt, all of that is nothing compared to that feeling of accomplishment. Nothing. In fact, those embarrassments and moments of doubt and fear make that moment of success much, much sweeter.  Try something new, friends. Find something to work for and work for it! I can guarantee you that you will feel stronger and better about yourself in the end. What are you waiting for???

~WJ