First, let me tell you what I know about my swim instructor. I haven't met him in person yet but I know he is a college student. He has participated in triathlons, has trained triathletes and he is very, very enthusiastic about teaching swimming. I call him the "whippersnapper" (henceforth referred to as "TWS") as I'm fairly certain he may have been born after I graduated high school.
When I first contacted TWS, I informed him that I, while very enthusiastic about the lessons, would need to start at ground zero. He then proceeded to tell me he felt he could get me where I needed to be by the end of April. Whoa, swim cowboy! We have until September! Let's take this a little slower!
This was my first glimpse into just how enthusiastic TWS is about teaching people to swim. What follows are excerpts from e-mails I received when I asked him if there was anything I could do to prepare for our first lesson (i.e. exercises not involving the pool). Spoiler alert: He references drowning more than I would like.
"As for dry exercises, try breathing through a straw. This simulates an elevation mask without the expense of an elevation mask haha."
Okay, let's pause here..."an elevation mask"? What the hell is an elevation mask?? and why "haha"? Is this swimmer's humor? Why would I need an ELEVATION anything in the pool??
Next he writes "Breath through a straw for roughly 20-30 minutes at a time, 1 hour per day. Relax while working on your lung's capacity."
So, that night, when the kids were asleep and the husband was out playing poker, I pulled a neon colored bendy straw from a drawer (because we still have 100 of these stupid things from the 100th day of school) and began to breathe through it while I hunkered down to watch an episode of Parenthood. First, let me tell you, breathing through a straw is very distracting. It's like when the doctor is listening to you your lungs and tells you to relax and breathe normally. You suddenly forget how to breathe normally.
This is basically what happened:
"Hey, this seems pretty easy. Breathing through a straw. Yeah, I got this. I could do this all day."
"Wait, it probably shouldn't be this easy, right? Maybe I'm doing something wrong" Can someone breathe through a straw the wrong way?"
"Wait, I think I'm also breathing through my nose. No, you can't breathe through your nose and mouth at the same time, can you? <holds nose> Whoa, I was definitely breathing through my nose AND the straw. Now I can't breathe at all. <lets go of nose>."
"Why am I producing so much saliva? Saliva is literally running out of the straw. This is gross. Wait, what just happened on the show? Why are they yelling at each other? Dang! I'm going to have to rewind that part right after I find a towel to clean up all this drool"
And on it went like this for about 30 minutes. I haven't picked up another straw since.
TWS is also a big believer in drinking a lot of water. Below is what he had to say about this:
"Most importantly, you will need to start drinking A LOT OF WATER!!!. Your body consists of anywhere from 50%-60% of H2O and to prevent serious cramping and dizziness. It's important to stay hydrated because you DO sweat in the water. It's a silent killer." (Drowning reference #1)
"To get you used to staying hydrated and prepared for the breathing aspect of swimming, drink between 64-72oz (8-9 cups) of water a day."
Let's pause again...I've had two children and my bladder is not what it used to be. If I drink 72oz of water before our lesson, I will need to pee approximately seven times before our 30 minute session is over.
And he continues...
"When you drink water, your brain immediately recognizes that it needs to hold its breathe. So when you take a drink of water, attempt to hold your breathe as long as (comfortably) possible while drinking as much as possible. This is a good exercise and challenge for you to drink your adequate input (AI) of water. Do not exceed your comfort level or exceed 72oz. The last thing you and I want is water intoxication and or drowning from a simple exercise." (Drowning reference #2)
What if I drink through a straw? Am I killing two birds with one stone? I'm just going to go ahead and let you know, 72oz does indeed surpass my comfort level. Can a body full of that much water actually become heavier in the pool hence send me sinking to bottom of the pool immediately? That seems like a real possibility at this point.
Also, should I be concerned that he continues to confuse "breath" and "breathe"?
Good grief, now I really do need to pee. Stay tuned for a post-lesson post next weekend. That is, if I don't drown.
Glub Glub,
JS
Lol I'll be praying for you on Sunday Jen. ;)
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